


The Malfoy-Granger Wedding Chronicles

by Starry_Enchantress



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bougie Malfoys, Child Labour, Child Marriage, Crack, Draco does MBA, Draco has not, Draco is a spendthrift, Draco sings, Drunkenness, F/M, Hermione does MA and PHD, Hermione has a briefly mentioned non existent sister and brother who will only be mentioned once, Hermione has had a decent amount of sex, Hints of an Affair, Humour, Muggle AU, Priyanka Chopra Cameo, brief racism, casual sexism, copyright Google joke, dowry, no beta we die like women, underage sex (implied)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:41:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28362582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starry_Enchantress/pseuds/Starry_Enchantress
Summary: Hermione and Draco get married. Crackfic.
Relationships: Cho Chang/Blaise Zabini, Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Jean Granger/ Richard Granger, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy
Comments: 12
Kudos: 7





	1. Marriage Interview, Prepping For The Job, and Celebratory Tweets and Joint Stag-Hen Party

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to another of my wild ideas. Though this has been Dramione-transformed by AIB on YT, so there's the credit. Comments and kudos equal love.

[ _Doorbell rings; The three Malfoys are standing on the Granger’s threshold. All three are looking confident. Draco’s Ray-ban slips down his nose and he pushes it back up. Lucius leans forward and peers into the peephole._ ]

[ _The doors open. Jean and Richard Granger step out, hands folded._ ]

Richard: [ _Nervous; sweat is dripping down his forehead_ ]. “Welcome, Mr and Mrs Malfoy!”

Lucius: [ _Overenthusiastically shakes Richard’s hand_ ]. “This is our third house today. I hope your goods are worth buying!”

Jean: [ _Throws garlands of flowers on Lucius and Narcissa’s necks; smiles widely_ ]. “Ah, Mrs Malfoy, I see that you are wearing all your overpriced jewellery to show off and I must say, you look like a bougie with all that gold!”

Narcissa: [ _Gives a loud raucous laugh and dispassionately hugs Jean._ ] “Only to show that we are the richer family!”

Richard: “Do come in!”

[ _They all enter and take seats on the couches and chairs. Various objects seem to have been stuffed inside cupboards, under couches, etc. to give the house an oddly clean appearance._ ]

Lucius: “I am Lucius and [ _gestures to Narcissa who waves hello, rings obviously on every other finger._ ] This is my wife, Narcissa. She wears jewellery sets of half a million pounds but still fights with the Grocer to save the odd pence.” [ _Narcissa laughs and nods. Jean gives another wide smile._ ]

Richard: [ _Laughs too hard, pretending to hoot with laughter._ ] “Casual sexism!”

Lucius: [ _Laughs and gestures to Draco, who has taken off his unnecessary sunglasses and tucked them in front of his shirt._ ] “This is my son Draco.”

Draco: [ _Grins widely._ ] “I wank four times a day!” [ _Narcissa nods in pride._ ]

Richard: [ _Chuckles and claps._ ] “What a shame son.” [ _Looks over to Jean, who smiles and nods. Richard then repeats his sentence._ ]

Lucius: [ _Makes an obvious show of looking around_ ]. “So, I don’t see your liability anywhere!”

Richard: “The thing is, to get her married, we made her break up with her boyfriend Viktor Krum last week. She must be wiping her tears!”

[ _Lucius laughs and Richard high-fives Jean._ ]

Richard: “Hermione dear, showtime!”

[ _Hermione appears, carrying a tray of homemade chocolate chip cookies and tea. Jean gets up and puts her hands on Hermione’s shoulder. Draco flashes an eleven, Narcissa flashes an eight and Lucius flashes a nine._ ]

Jean: “Hermione dear, they have to come to make you their servant disguised as a daughter-in-law for the rest of your life.”

[ _Hermione sets the tray of cookies on the table, simpering at Draco and flashes her cleavage. She then sits on the sofa across the Malfoys with her parents._ ]

Richard: [ _Gestures to the cookies_ ] “Please take one as a demo. Judge her character by her baking!”

[ _Lucius takes a cookie and makes an approving face._ ]

Jean: “So, Draco dear, what have you reaped in life?” [Richards nods and looks eagerly at Draco.]

Draco: “Nothing in particular, but blah blah blah, I’ve done the M.B.A.” [ _Looks at his parent’s approving faces._ ] “Blah blah blah, the M.B.A. has been done by me.

Richard: [ _Looks awed._ ] “Blah blah blah M.B.A.?” [Looks at Jean, who is equally amazed.]

Jean: “He should hump both our daughters!” [ _Jean and Richard quietly begin chanting M.B.A._ ]

Draco: [ _Looks oblivious to Jean and Richard’s babble_ ] “Blah blah blah M then B then A.”

[ _Richard and Jean continue chanting and Richard throws pounds at Draco, then ceases._ ]

Richard: “It’s good, then. By the way, Narcissa, Hermione has also topped her M.A. After that her P.H.D.-”

Narcissa: [ _Smiling._ ] “Richard, nobody gives a shit.”

Richard: [ _Smiles then nods._ ] “You are right.” [ _Looks at Draco and Hermione._ ] “Ok, kids, you go inside Hermione’s bedroom and become soulmates in fifteen minutes, until then the adults will decide how to give the dowry. Netbanking, Cash on Delivery, etc.”

Lucius: [ _setting down his seventh cookie,_ ] “ Look, Richard, we are progressive people.”

[ _Richard looks nervous._ ]

Lucius: “We would be fine with Bitcoin, as well!” [Looks at Narcissa who nods and says absolutely.]

[ _Richard cackles._ ]

* * *

[ _The scene cuts to Hermione’s bedroom. Draco is sipping a cup of tea as he stares at a generic painting by Hermione. She is fidgeting, playing the perfect blushing bride-to-be. He looks over at her and she gives a nervous giggle._ ]

Hermione: “Will you say anything or have you already chickened out?”

Draco: [ _Raising his teacup towards her painting._ ] “It’s just, your painting is so awful.” [ _He attempts to take another sip, gags, then sets it back down, looking at her._ ] “So umm, any hobbies or passions that I can kill?”

Hermione: [ _Shakes her head frantically._ ] “Whatever was left, my parents killed it.”

Draco: [ _Nodding._ ] “Oh, that’s sweet.”

Hermione: “And what about you?”

Draco: “I work in the navy.”

[ _Hermione looks impressed._ ] “Wow.”

Draco: I float away my dad’s money.”

Hermione: [ _looks confused. Draco winks_ ] “Oh!” [ _She and Draco burst into loud laughter._ ]

Hermione: “Such a horrible joke!”

Draco: “Thank you.”

Hermione: “So I assume you smoke and drink?”

Draco: [ _Looking horrified._ ] “I won’t tell you now. You can find out three months later in a nightclub.”

Hermione: [ _Laughs._ ] “Then I’ll wear a spaghetti dress and dance on the bar.”

Draco: [ _Awkwardly laughing_ ] “How’s your hymen? I mean any boyfriends?”

Hermione: [ _Looking down; blushing_ ] “Your ego won’t be able to handle my sex life.”

Draco: [ _Chuckling_ ] “That’s true.”

Hermione: [ _Attempts and fails to look disinterested_ ] “And you?”

Draco: “I couldn’t go further than ASL on chat rooms, except for one girl who I wouldn't leave alone until my parents forced me into this. These forearms weren’t built from sitting around.”

[ _Hermione laughs and nods._ ]

Draco: [ _Staring into Hermione’s eyes, smiling._ ] “Anyways, I don’t think I’ll find a hotter woman than you. So, what do you say?”

Hermione [ _Blushes._ ] “Does anyone care?”

Draco: [ _Still staring, still smiling._ ] “No.”

* * *

[ _They head outside to the living room. Lucius and Narcissa are stuffing the aforementioned various objects inside a big burlap sack held up by Richard, whose shirt seems to have been stuffed inside the sack._ ]

Richard: [ _Watching Narcissa stuff a vase inside; smiling._ ] “Yes, please do rob us.”

Jean: [ _Grins widely as Lucius stuffs a painting inside another sack._ ] “Take everything, Lucius. Even though your family is rich, take everything from us as dowry.”

Richard: [ _Looks up from helping Lucius stuff a teapot inside at Hermione and Draco_ ] “So, what have you decided?”

[ _Draco looks at Hermione who blushes. He winks at Richard and gives a thumbs up._ ]

Lucius: [ _Rushes forward to take Richard’s glasses, then shakes his hand and hugs him._ ] “Congratulations on the stress, Richard!”

Narcissa: [ _Tugs off Jean’s necklace._ ] “Congratulations!”

* * *

**Hermione Granger**  
_10 Minutes Ago_  
Got engaged to Draco Malfoy  
_Today_  
**50** Likes **10** Shares **4** Comments

 **Hannah Abbot** _Congrats! Crash dieting from today! #BulimialsBestBro_  
**9** _Minutes_ **14** Likes  
**Luna Lovegood** _Congratulations! I’m so jealous of you!_  
**8** _Minutes_ **30** Likes  
**Pansy Parkinson** _BITCH! Your wedding dates better not crash with mine! Btw, XOXO._  
**6** _Minutes_ **32** Likes  
**Lavender Brown** _If you were going to marry him, why’d you hit lines on my boyfriend Ron in college?_  
**2** _Minutes_ **0** Likes

 **Draco Malfoy**  
_10 Minutes Ago_  
Got engaged to Hermione Granger.  
_Today_  
**83** Likes **20** Shares **5** Comments

 **Astoria Greengrass** _Hope you’ll stop stalking me now!_  
**6** _Minutes_ **25** Likes  **Blaise Zabini** _FINALLY YOU’LL HAVE SEX!_  
**2** _Minutes_ **12** Likes  
**Theo Nott** _Congo Brother! You get to have SEX! SEX! SEX!_  
**2** _Minutes_ **0** Likes  
**Lucius Malfoy** _Congrats on the sex! God bless_.  
**12** _Minutes_ **0** Likes  
**Draco Malfoy** _Dad that’s just weird._  
**2** _Minutes_ **0** Likes

* * *

[ _Richard enters a store - ‘Weasley Caterers: Looting families since 1973’_ ]

Molly Weasley: [ _Looking up from cookbook_ ] “A customer!”

Richard: “Hello!”

Molly: [ _Pushing aside cookbook; hastily hides wads of bills._ ] “How shall I rob you today?

Richard: “I want you to cater to my daughter’s wedding.”

Molly: “The thing is if a wedding doesn’t have four types of cuisines, nobody respects you.

Richard: Ok!

Molly: Look at this: One counter which will give you dysentery, a stomachache counter, a counter which is and we’ll also put a chocolate fountain where little kids will put their fingers inside and make it dirty. The charges are per plate, but my men won't give you 50-60 plates and claim it as an accident.

Richard: [ _Thoughtful_ ] I’ll tell my whole family to eat directly from the container. So how much is the cost?

Molly: Double the price of your budget.

Richard _[smiling_ ] “Your food must be so good, from eating it, we’ll start shitting diamonds and emeralds. Can’t the price be lowered a bit?

Molly [ _rubs hands gleefully_ ] “Alright, then I’ll pretend to attempt to give you a discount here.”

Richard: “That’s reasonable.”

[ _Molly proceeds to blame inflation, the market is down. She pretends to count and dramatically punches numbers into a calculator._ ]

Richard: “If you’re using a calculator, it must be right.”

Molly: [ _Slides it across the counter to Richard._ ] “Worst price.”

Richard: [ _Dreamily_ ] “If only Hermione was a lesbian…”

Molly [ _In the same manner._ ] “If only…”

Richard: “Now let’s say what everyone says at the end of every negotiation.”

Molly and Richard: “Neither your choice nor mine.”

Molly: But actually mine.” [ _Thinks to herself for a moment._ ] “You have a son, right? You can earn back his wife’s dowry in his wedding.”

Richard: “Fair. Nice being screwed by you.”

* * *

[ _Hermione and Jean enter a store- ‘Madam Malkin’s. Madam Malkin, Hermione and Jean exchange greetings._ ]

Madam Malkin: “Child labour employee Victoire Weasley! Today our customer is going to buy something expensive, so bring tea instead of water!”

[ _A young girl scampers close with two hastily filled cups of tea, and darts away._ ]

Madam Malkin: “How may I help you?”

Jean: “Show a dress which will make the boy’s side think we are secretly royalty.”

Madam Malkin: [ _Pulls out a bright pink dress with stripes._ ] “This is the latest tacky colour number one. You are going to reject it, so I showed it to you first. Try touching it.”

Hermione: [ _Pressing a finger to the dress; smiling.]_ “I feel like throwing up.”

Madam Malkin: [ _Pulls out another dress; It is stunning._ ] “This one will look fantastic with your insecurity. It has a 500% margin. It is original and overpriced. Just try buying it, you’ll regret it.”

Hermione: “You deserve at least a bit of foreplay, though. Show another.”

Madam Malkin: “Third cousin visiting from the village! Get that fake designer dress!”

Hermione and Jean: [ _Eyes wide, licking lips._ ] “Designer!”

[ _Hermione and Jean admire the dress greedily, then demand to see more dresses._ ]

Madam Malkin: “Mrs, Granger, 100 people do this same drama every day. I say the same thing to them; the last piece.”

Jean [ _Holding up a pink dress._ ] “Alright, this one. Be sure to rob us properly.”

Madam Malkin: [ _Makes a fraud call to HQ about discounts, blames a fake robbery in the store and her over expensive grandson. Sh then pushes forward her paper with her exaggerated calculations._ ] “The most expensive price.”

[ _Jean takes a jar of coins out of her purse and pushes it towards Madam Malkin._ ]

* * *

[ _The scene changes to Hermione and Draco’s joint stag and hen party. Most of the ladies are dressed up to the nines and giggling like crazy. A cameraman, Dennis Creevy, is taking closeups of most of the ladies. On the other hand, the gents are drinking and cracking jokes._ ]

Pansy: [ _Grinning as Dennis snaps a picture of her chest._ ]“Oh my god! Joke about your husband-to-be!”

Hermione: [ _Smiling coyly as Dennis shoves the camera in her face._ ] “Coy reaction to get candid looking shots on camera!”

Lavender: [ _Doing ballet._ ] “I’m so drunk right now, you’re going to have to call a taxi to get me home, then ghost me for a month!”

Luna Lovegood: “I’m the one who tried to seduce your husband-to-be while you weren’t paying attention. He only rejected me because he wants to save his image in society.”

Hermione [ _Choking in laughter._ ] “The only reason I’m pretending to laugh is so people think I’m having fun. I need new friends. ”

Sirius Black: [ _Climbing onto the stage, turning on the mic._ ] “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am the most popular guy in this family, and once I gave a speech in school how to get into girls’ knickers! I did get punished, but because of this, I am the forced emcee, with fake enthusiasm!”

[ _Somehow mostly everyone has managed to find a seat and is clapping._ ]

Sirius: “And this is my first stolen joke from Google! Why are husbands and wives always fighting?”

[ _Sirius bursts into laughter and everyone follows suit. Mr and Mrs Granger are snorting and guffawing. Hermione has fallen on the floor with laughter but gets back up and resumes her seat. Lucius punches a fist into the air._ ]

Sirius: “It’s so funny! Now I’ll ask the groom an inappropriate question about his honeymoon!”

[ _There are whistles and cheers. Draco blushes._ ]

Theo: “I’ll make a joke an inappropriate joke from the crowd!”

[T _heo and the crowd chuckles._ ]

Draco: “Sensitive anti-climatic answer which will make everyone say aww.”

Crowd: “Aww!”

Sirius: “You avoided that question but I’ll embarrass you again by asking you to sing for Hermione!”

[ _Draco protests vehemently as everyone else begins a chant, forcing him to sing. This lasts for several minutes. Finally, Draco relents._ ]

Draco: [ _Badly off tune. Someone is recording._ ] “Don’t make me sing in public. Fucking dogs, all of you go to hell. I’m embarrassed in front of everyone, my wife says LOL and LMAO.”

[ _Hermione grins and blushes. The crowd whoops and cheers._ ]

Sirius: “Now it’s time to embarrass old people! Tell us about your wedding, Druella!” [Points mic at Druella.]

Druella: “When I got married, I was eight years old!”

[ _Sirius and Druella stare at each other for a few minutes. Druella is smiling and Sirius looks horrified._ ]

Sirius: “Applause for the child bride!”

[ _Applause._ ]

Sirius: “First off, to make our couple’s boring love story interesting, please welcome on the stage their school friends!”

[ _Ginny, Pansy, Luna, Lavender, Blaise, Theo and various other people come onto the stage. Ginny is wearing an obvious brown wig, as is Blaise a blonde one. Pansy and Theo attempt to be Narcissa and Lucius. Jean and Richard are impersonated by Harry and Daphne. Harry, Daphne and Ginny are break-dancing in one corner. Pansy, Theo and Blaise enter and they all dance together in a circle. Ginny and Blaise begin horribly waltzing as the others tap dance around them. They bow and everyone claps._ ]

Sirius: “After a three-week rehearsal, such a shitty performance! And now our next dance is fat women with easy steps because of arthritis! After that, is drunk uncle Regulus whose dance will become viral on Youtube! And our main dance will be because everything works at a wedding, right? Applause for the kids’ obscenity!”

[ _Narcissa, Andromeda, Bellatrix, Jean and Molly do some jazzercise to polite applause. Remus does the robot to wild whoops. Teddy and Victoire do the foxtrot to whistles and applause. Sirius demands applause to every dance._ ]

Sirius: [ _To a cowering Percy_ ] “Clap, you bastard! Why aren’t you clapping?!” [ _He is enthusiastic again._ ] “And the last dance where the dancers will bring the couple onto the stage!”

[ _The stage has turned into a wild mess. James has provided cheap booze. Charlie is drunkenly attempting to hit on Gabrielle. Teddy and Victoire have noticeably snuck away. Of course, they’ll get drunk like crazy. And probably fuck._ ]


	2. The Wedding, Reception and Next Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter, everyone!

[ _We are at the actual wedding. Theo is the best man and Hannah is the maid of honour. Draco is waiting for Hermione as she literally walks inch by inch down the aisle. He suddenly notices a young boy standing next to him._ ]

Draco: [ _Whispers._ ] “Son, who are you?”

Colin Creevey: “I come free with the church.”

**3 Hours Later**

[ _Hermione is a foot away from Draco._ ]

**6 Hours Later**

[ _Hermione is half a foot away from Draco._ ]

Lucius: [ _Whispering from his seat in the pew._ ] “She only made him wait 6 hours. That means her family respects us a lot.”

* * *

[ _Flash to the board outside the church. It reads ‘Hermione Settles For Draco’._ ]

* * *

Andromeda: “Baseless rumour that Draco is gay because I am bored.” [ _Makes a face._ ]

 _[Ron is sitting next to Priyanka Chopra, a cousin of Hermione. He gawks at her, then speaks._ ]

Ron: “Hi! I am a cousin of the groom!”

Priyanka: “Hey, I am token brown girl!”

Ron: “So, what do you think of celebrations? You’re not a British, your opinions matter the most!”

Priyanka: “Oh my god! Generic bullshit about elegance and culture and - the cake! I am totally judging you guys! And by the way, this is broken English.”

George: [ _Leaning forward from behind_ ] “Let me curse her in the French we learnt years ago in school so she won’t understand.”

[ _Ron and George high-five. Priyanka laughs._ ]

Priyanka: “I know you’re speaking another language!. You guys are bitching me out!”

Ron: “Tell me something, in India, everyone is married, right?”

[ _Priyanka goes to speak then stops._ ]

Andromeda: [ _To Tonks._ ] “I haven’t bitched for three minutes so I’m thinking let’s find faults in the rituals.”

[ _They nod and point at the wedding officiant who is listening to music while officiating the wedding and Hermione's tattoo above her strapless wedding dress which reads 'if you can read this, you're too close.'_ ]

Sirius [ _Looking panicked, whispers to Arthur._ ] “Shit! The gift I got at Thanksgiving? I forgot to recycle it and gift it to them!”

Arthur: “Get something from CheapGifts.com.”

Sirius: [ _Looks relieved_.] “Of course!”

[ _He pulls out his iPhone 12 and buys ‘Generic Dinner Set’. It falls from the heavens, gift-wrapped already._ ]

Sirius: [ _Grinning smugly._ ] “God's on my side.”

* * *

[ _Time for the reception party. Lucius walks up to the serving table where one of Molly’s guys is waiting to serve._ ]

Lucius: “Which if these foods are for cholesterol?”

Muriel Weasley: [ _Gesturing to the dishes placed in a row._ ] “Sir this is veg in orange gravy, non-veg in orange gravy, some other shit in orange gravy, orange gravy returns, the revenge of orange gravy, carry on orange gravy, rice and Muslim rice.”

Lucius: “And what about dishes for diabetes?”

Muriel: “Sir, due to budget, there is only vanilla ice cream. Right, Barny?”

[ _Barny Weasley who has been licking the ice cream spoon sets it down and nods._ ]

**Granny Cam.**  
**Ver. OSX**  
**Groom Locator CC2020**  
**CO2MK9JBFD5B**

**_[Granny Cam. zooms on Sirius giving Draco a gift.]_ **

**Gift Analysis: Cheap.**

**_[Granny Cam. analyses his face.]_ **

**Draco Malfoy;** **Narrow-minded Analysis Report:** _**Nice job, He is fair, Family money, Tall, Speaks French, Village in France, I am wet.**_  
**Status: MARRIED**  
**R** **EJECTED.**

**_[Granny Cam. zooms in on Charlie Weasley.]_ **

**Charlie Weasley; Narrow-Minded Analysis Report _:_ _Creative types, low-paying job, drinks, doesn’t shave, Cigarette detected, Low sperm count = No children_**  
**Status: _UNMARRIED_**  
**Class Bias: _IPOOR FAMILY_**  
**Rumours: _Failed exams, has multiple affairs_**  
**Society evaluation** : **_No sacraments, What will people say?_**  
**REJECTED**

**_[Granny Cam. zooms in on Cedric Diggory.]_ **

**Cedric Diggory; Narrow-Minded Analysis Report: _Virgin, He has no beard or moustache, teetotaler, 10 years France Visa, I am wet again, speaks good French_**  
**Class Bias: _RICH FAMILY_**  
**Rumours: _Has 20 Million, Might have an attractive cousin_** **Society evaluation: _Lots of sacraments = Amazed_**  
**SON-IN-LAW FOUND**

[ _Walburga cackles._ ]

* * *

[ _Lucius has approached the food counter for the eighth time._ ]

Muriel [ _Cackling._ ] “You asshole, you’re here again?”

Lucius: “I do have to bitch about the food, so eight helpings are necessary.” [ _Settling down next to his mother, Lucia._ ] “Right, mother?”

Lucia [ _Staring ahead_ ] “Son, I only await death.”

[ _Lucius gapes at her as she continues staring. He slowly takes the cake from her plate and backs away. Meanwhile, Draco and Hermione are greeting their guests._ ]

Draco: [ _Shaking Ron’s hand._ ] “Generic question, like, did you eat?”

Ron: “Absolutely not! I have to go to another wedding too and my friend texted me the food there is better.”

[ _They laugh. Ron steps closer and they all make the duck face as a photographer clicks them._ ]

Ron: “Hurry up, the cake over their will be finished.”

[ _Andromeda approaches._ ]

Draco: “This is my Aunt Andromeda, we are so jealous of her because she is richer than us. She travels 24/7 and it has been 3 years since she visited Britain.”

Andromeda: [ _Handing over a check._ ] “This is all fine. Children, this is 10 Rupees. Be sure to put it in fixed deposit.”

Draco [ _Smiling as Andromeda lovingly caresses his cheek. He hurriedly pockets his phone. A Google search ‘Is 10 Rupees less’ was open._ ] “Go and die, bitch. We’re not stupid, this isn’t much.”

[ _She poses for a picture as the cameraman snaps a pic. As she leaves, Viktor approaches._ ]

Viktor: “Hello!”

Hermione: [ _Shaking Viktor’s hand.]_ “Awkward!”

Viktor: “I know!” [ _To Draco._ ] “Hi, I’m the ex-boyfriend.”

Draco [ _Nodding._ ] “Oh.”

Viktor: “Pretending to be secure, but I’m crying on the inside.”

Hermione: “I invited you as a joke, but you idiot, you actually came.”

Viktor: “I wanked to a photo of you before coming.”

Draco [ _To Hermione_.] “We are definitely going to fight about this!”

Viktor: “You are a lucky man. Take care of that booty.”

Draco: “That’s sweet. I will.”

[ _After Viktor walks out, oh sorry, gets kicked out after the most awkward photo ever, Kingsley walks up._ ]

Kingsley: “Hello!”

Draco: “Welcome, sir!” [ _To Hermione_ ] “Hermione this is my boss, Kingsley Shacklebolt. From today you have to suck up to him too.”

Kingsley [ _Laughing._ ] “You’re fired!”

Draco: [ _Chortles then leans close to Kingsley and whispers._ ] “Sir, does your wife know about the girl in France?”

Kingsley [ _As Draco leans back.]_ “You’re promoted!” [ _They laugh._ ]

[ _Blaise comes up for a photo._ ]

Draco: “Blaise! Are you leaving?”

Blaise: “Yeah, I have to drop my mother off at her weekly club with Blackbeard and Susanna Anna-Marie Johannes.”

* * *

[ _Now it is time for the Social Media Show-off AKA clicking cliche pics in cliche poses. Dennis, Hermione and Draco are standing in front of a cardboard background created for the sole purpose of photos._ ]

Dennis: “Okay, ready for the shoot?”

[ _They nod. Dennis begins his commentary._ ]

Dennis: “Draco, do the shy pose. Draco, your mouth stinks. Your mouth is full of onion. Hermione, lean away from Draco. You are feeling shy about the stink. Toothpaste is dying from the stink, Draco. Bro, do you even brush? Very good! Lovely!”

[ _The photo is finally taken with Draco smiling at Hermione, showing off all the teeth the Pepsodent CEO would be proud of. Hermione is smiling and blushing, leaning away from him slightly._ ]

Dennis: “Draco, now lifting pose. Draco, you are a farmer and Hermione is a bag of flour. You are a student and Hermione is your tuition bag. Your textbooks are inside the bag, R.D. Sharma is inside the bag and Yellow Pages is inside the bag for no reason. Ok, Draco, I have taken the photo, you can drop the bag. You have reached the tuition, Draco. Please put the bag down gently Draco, the bag will get hurt.”

[ _The photo is taken with Hermione on Draco’s back. Hermione is smiling, and Draco is making a very expressive face, we are unaware if it is from pain or happiness._ ]

Dennis: “Now back hugging pose. Hermione hold Draco’s manboobs. Hold Draco’s manboobs. No from behind, Hermione, from behind. Tenderly, yes. Draco, look happy. This is happening with you for the first time in your life, Draco. Delicate nipples, they are delicate. Cripple the nipples. Treat the areola like delicate granola. Tickle his chestickle. Lovely! Okay, Draco, make a sexy face. Oh, okay Draco, never sexy from you. You can’t do it, Draco.”

[ _The photo is taken with Hermione hugging Draco from behind, her hands on his chest. Draco attempts to gaze sexily._ ]

Dennis: “Now Titanic pose. Leonardo and Katie, Leonardo and Katie. Sir, Leonardo at back, Katie in front. Always in front. Ok, the ship is going to sink. Sink with passion sir, not like an iceberg. Celine Dion, Celine Dion. Your heart will go onnn.”

[ _The photo is taken with Hermione and Draco holding hands, their arms spread wide. Their faces are imitating the throes of passion._ ]

Dennis: “Slip disc pose. Lift her up. Draco, I know that your poor muscles can’t handle it. Drink a protein shake, you dick. What are you doing, come on. Lovely, Draco. Smile through the pain, Draco. Okay, done. Drop the potato, drop the potato. Drop your wife. You don’t care about her. Lovely wedding.”

[ _The photo is taken with Draco holding Hermione bridal style. Hermione is smiling, is Draco grimacing?_ ]

Dennis: “Back touching pose. WWE Trump card. John Cena, AJ Styles, WWE. Sexy WWE. Come on, smile for Vince Mcmahon. There is going to be WWE tonight Hermione will see Draco's Big Show.”

[ _The photo is taken with their backs touching, though they have turned slightly to smile at each other._ ]

Dennis: “Toilet seat pose. Eastern toilet, eastern toilet. Okay, Hermione first lift the seat, lift the seat. Very hygienic, very good. Now sit. Draco, enjoy it. Madam is going to shit on you your whole life anyway. Very good, now flush him. Flush him like the turd he is. Flush the turd like creature. Sexy turd, sir, sexy turd. Very nice. Pinch out boogers from his nose, Hermione, Lovely!”

[ _The photo is taken with Draco on one knee, Hermione is sitting on him and tweaking his nose lovingly. They are smiling._ ]

* * *

[ _It is time for Hermione and Draco to leave to their hotel suite. Everyone has gathered around. Hermione is hugging Jean and crying into her shoulder._ ]

Hermione: [ _Sobbing._ ] “I don’t want to cry, but if I don’t cry people will judge me!”

Jean” [ _Sniffing._ ] “Don’t cry. Your makeup is worth twenty-five hundred pounds. It’ll get ruined.”

Hermione: [ _Wailing._ ] “Now you’ll pressurize me to become a mother! I’m going to see a strange man naked tonight!” [To Richard.] “I don’t want to go, daddy!”

Richard: [ _Tears leaking out of his eyes._ ] “These are tears of happiness, my dear. Now I’ll convert your bedroom into a study.”

[ _Hermione and Richard exchange “No, daddy!”s and “Yes, dear.”s as Draco books the OLA Cab. Then he turns around to peel Hermione off Richard._ ]

Draco. “Hey hey hey hey, please don’t cry. Richard will come and go. There are four instalments of dowry left.”

Hermione: [ _Tearful._ ] “Really?”

Draco: [ _Firm._ ] “Really. Look the OLA Cab is here.”

Richard: [ _Emotional Draco and Hermione sit inside the cab._ ] “Get lost, you crazy kids.”

[ _There is a big heart on the back of the car that read ‘Transaction Complete.’_ ]

* * *

**Tomorrow Morning.**

[ _Draco and Hermione are ready to go on their Honeymoon, bags packed. Lucius, Narcissus and Druella are greeting them goodbye._ ]

Narcissa: “Have lots of fun!”

Draco: “Ok, mom.”

Lucius: “Give Hermione lots of fun!”

Draco: “Yes, dad.”

Narcissa: “Have as much fun as you want.”

Druella: “Basically, they’re saying have lots of sex.”

[ _They wave bye as the car leaves._ ]

Druella: [ _Calling out._ ] “The noise should go to the next room!”

Lucius: “Mother, enough.”

Druella: [ _Calling once more before they head inside._ ] “Be sure to take her from behind!”


End file.
